Breaking News!!!
Friday, July 6th, 2007(Be sure to check Pages & Dispatches [right] for the latest Area 45 news. And coming soon, a new Category - Sewer Trips!)
DATELINE: JULY 6, 2007 (CROWN POINT, IN)
A political tsunami continues to tsweep across Northwest Indiana after Wednesday’s surprise decision by federal and state authorities to abolish the political subdivision known as Lake County, Indiana, which shall henceforth be designated as “Area 45″ - the nation’s first official political wilderness. Citing habitual and immutable governmental mismanagement [and noting Bobby Kennedy’s decades-old (but still viable) characterization of Lake County as one of the most corrupt places in America], senior officials in Washington and Indianapolis announced - on Independence Day, no less - their joint plan to withdraw from “the quagmire that is ‘Da Region.’”
In an operation dubbed “Major Moves,” the Indiana National Guard will assume immediate responsibility for the orderly evacuation of thousands of expected refugees, some of whom have already begun fleeing in panic. A “reverse amnesty” plan was also announced, which provides that all current residents will be permitted to emigrate, unmolested by local authorities, until August 1, 2007, the anticipated completion date of a high-tech border security fence that will surround Area 45. U.S. Air Force personnel immediately established a no-fly zones over Area 45, but guaranteed monthly airlifts of humanitarian assistance (and handguns) into the Gary Airport. In deference to local custom, Hercules C-130 transports will also conduct periodic airdrops of absentee ballots in Area 45 for use by those citizens who remain (and in the names of those citizens who leave). A spokesman for Rand McNally indicated that Area 45 will be hereafter depicted as “a blank spot on the map” with a warning to would-be travelers into the region: Area 45 - Restricted Access - Here Be Dragons!
A small cadre of county officials gathered yesterday afternoon in the hallways of the government center in Crown Point to address the concerns of their employees, many of whom (as usual) had taken the day off or had already gone home. Seeking to put a happy face on this involuntary secession, the group (1) defiantly vowed to contine “business as usual,” (2) announced the immediate formation of the Lake Urban Enterprise Association (LUEA) for the acquisition of real estate abandoned by the refugees, and (3) proudly unveiled the proposed new flag for Area 45 - the Jolly Roger - which, as one cynical observer noted, has long been Lake County’s unofficial logo.
Federal officials refused to comment on rampant speculation that New Orleans and the entire state of New Jersey are next in line for political wilderness designation
By: The Unknown Correspondent, Embedded in Area 45
Check Dispatches (right) for Area 45 updates!
(Click on photos below to view)
