Dispatch 01.06.08
Just got back from mandatory attendance at a Maximus Report Study Group, whose weekly Sunday sessions are held immediately following regular church services. It proved to be much better than anticipated, since we learned of several heretofore unpublished recommendations in the Report:
Sunset Provisions: The radioactive half-life of most governmental decisions is usually measured in eons. A decision once made lives on ad infinitum unless subsequently rescinded, and that never happens. So why not have pre-existing, built-in, automatic terminations, particular for personnel decisions. In this vein, the Report recommends the automatic firing of any county employee who was hired by virtue of her/his status as the girlfriend/boyfriend of a Lake County elected official, but only after (a) three years have elasped since the employer last took advantage of the ”skills” for which the GF/BF was hired in the first place, or (b) the boss hires a new bimbo. Whichever comes first. Huge savings are expected from this particular sunset provision, particularly in health care expenses, since the County will no longer have to shell out for liposuctions, hip replacements and the like for employees whose ”skills” have, well, sagged over the years.
Specialization: The Report recommends that policy-making and operational responsibility in certain key area be exclusively delegated to those with demonstrated expertise in the field. Implementation of that recommendation, it appears, has already begun. Will “Cuz I’m the Taxman” Smith became the designated point man for the County Council’s efforts to enact a local income tax, his expertise apparently gained while sitting in federal court at his own trial for tax fraud. Along this lines, the search continues for a high-volume drug dealer to head up Area 45’s Drug Awareness Resistance Education (DARE) program. And negotiations are currently underway with certain former, not-yet-released-on-parole East Chicago City Councilmen, whose expertise on concrete and paving will guide the County Highway Department over its rough spots
